5

Self Portrait 26.10.10

the ground beneath my feet.

the pitter-patter of the marching feet behind me,
all in succession.

the sounds of planes,
trains,
and automobiles,
round and round.
Dizzying, yet placing me at ease.

is this the big comedown?
the hypnotic end to such a great high.

this feeling in my head,
in my heart,
and in my being.
the drowning in eternal
internal sunset

truth be told,
this is the most human i've ever felt.
crash landing in an emotional shit storm,
i acted,
i pretended,
"and the award for best actor"

me

but now the consequences for my actions.

the fact that i wanted to numb myself
with all things anti me,
death has come for me
from above,

numbness subsided and now back to reality.

XXXMED

4

Today,
I take the longest walk of my life.

Down that ol' green mile.

Checking in to see if I receive my scarlet letter,
that branding that marks us forever.
Naivety has led me to this moment,
how can someone like you fall so hopelessly,
head over heels,
madly,
unequivocally in love with someone like me.

You  hide your branding well,
you scarlet letter is flush and skin toned.

Still,
I walk to my doom,
slowly and an eternity away.

Down that ol' green mile.

I cry deep inside,
thinking that this betrayal has the same sting as a double edged dagger.

Who did this to you,
who hurt you so bad that you would blindly harm other,
that you would send me

Down this ol' green mile.

Romance is dead,
you shot it at point blank range.
In it's back, just like me.
More than once,
more than twice.

Fuck the fool, I am the fool.

The dread is killing me,
standing at the threshold.
I wonder what your doing,
sleeping the night away.

Unaware of the path of destruction that is placed in front of you.
The path I laid waste to

Down the ol' green mile.

(Originally written on 14, October 2010)

What an amazing week!

This was a beautiful view from Montmarte.

I have plenty of new things to post and I just haven't gotten around to doing so.

A Poem,

A few pictures,

and maybe a story or 2.


...stay tuned and take care.

-XXXMED

The Beautiful Truth

There's something truly amazing in finding out the truth on your own,
it allows you to make these grand assumptions
and stellar proclamations.

Honesty,
they know the truth always comes out,
so it's best to speak in imperative truths.

A lie is concealment
and concealment is a lie.

Truths I've learned
are not inconsequential.
The Truths they know about me are all encompassing.

A lie is a lie,
but not necessarily.

This unforeseen realm
loudly, but in clarity, speaks to me.
It proclaims that I must,
"Abandon all truth,
for you have entered the realm of the liar."

I could never believe that the truth has undone so many,
that they still cling to their lies,
never once admitting the truth
and yet
we came forth to see their many lies.

Only when they were reflected,
back into their faces,
did the truth come out.

3

Do you look at me and see that I am no longer the same,

that I have become monotonous?

Was I fun and now you've moved on

because I'm no longer offering you excitement?

You stare blankly past my eyes

and past my soul.

The very parts of me that you once loved,

and yet you no longer do.

You try and hide the fact

that I am no longer amusing to you,

but it is in fact written upon your face.

"Bored to Death"

It says.

In your eyes.

In your letter.

Just let me know, put me out of my misery

So I shall know the end is here.

2

With you here I feel lost.

As though time itself is moving slowly,

Constantly hiding and betraying my kindness.

Sometimes you make me wonder if I am too trusting.

I think about you and I see it behind your eyes,

that you are not being honest,

that you are hiding away apart of yourself from me.

Names, names and places,

anonymous places and faces.

For once I feel as though the bullet is in my heart,

all jagged and broken.

Tearing out my love,
my compassion,
and my tenderness,

leaving me.

Am I just an empty shell of a loveless man?

Does it not please you,

to see me hurting,

and to do nothing

and to say nothing

Nothing

Nothing

the emptiness and quietness of the hallowed soul.

Is it okay that I love you far away,

distant,

and dissonant.

Pale blank utopia

without the disillusionment of heart aches and heartpains.

You sadden me,

with all your mystery.

Mystery so mysterious

that I weep for those who know

what is the dystopian minefield of your heart

the bleakness of a world unknown.

I share

I share

feelings,

thoughts,

the truth,

but you hide and cower,

trying to shield you from the light.

The blinding and all consuming light,

you know not that it radiates from inside you.

The light is you own

you are consuming yourself.

Bright bright and drowning out the shadows,

drowning me out .

It is a cold light,

chill and bright.

Your warmth is leaving

I am left in the cold aftermath.

A devastating

and shrill

and piercing cold

that hurts to the touch,

blinds the sight, and kills happiness.

1

I love the terribleness of this picture, out of focus yet expressing perfectly my idea. 

Today we should mourn the innocent.

Today we learn that the blind are truly leading the blind and as they inch towards the abyss we should do everything in our power to stop them.

Today I will not stand idly by and be a spectator to the impending demise of my dear friends.

Today I shall voice my opinion on things that matter.

Yesterday I was a buzzard watching as the world went about it's machinations.

Yesterday I was just a cog in the machine, yet today I feel as though I am that very machine.

The pieces have all fit together and they are working.

Yesterday was a lifetime ago and tomorrow may very well be the end.

But I chose to live in this moment where my sanity, compassion and the very nature of my being are not questioned.