5

Self Portrait 26.10.10

the ground beneath my feet.

the pitter-patter of the marching feet behind me,
all in succession.

the sounds of planes,
trains,
and automobiles,
round and round.
Dizzying, yet placing me at ease.

is this the big comedown?
the hypnotic end to such a great high.

this feeling in my head,
in my heart,
and in my being.
the drowning in eternal
internal sunset

truth be told,
this is the most human i've ever felt.
crash landing in an emotional shit storm,
i acted,
i pretended,
"and the award for best actor"

me

but now the consequences for my actions.

the fact that i wanted to numb myself
with all things anti me,
death has come for me
from above,

numbness subsided and now back to reality.

XXXMED

Forgiveness

I keep thinking, should I or shouldn't I? Do I really need this heartache and pain in my life? But ultimately I've decided that I will, it's never a simply case of should I or shouldn't I, in fact it has never so simple. My answer simply comes from my thoughts, because I think you deserve my forgiveness, I think that I have made some mistakes, that we have made some mistakes, in the past few weeks. I just wish that we would have made an case for communication, or lack therein of, for which we are both guilty.


Like many people, my first reaction to betrayal was revenge, but revenge isn't always cut and paste. It's always a little messy and it involves other people getting hurt. My goal isn't to hurt anyone else, but just to not feel the way I was feeling. Childishly I was thinking that if I made someone feel the same way I felt then I would be on top, I would have perched myself back on top of Cloud 9. But I found out that revenge doesn't work, it's unsatisfying. Sure, you're caught up in this moment where revenge is bliss but in the end it's not, it's sorrow and disgust. Think "The Bride" at the end of Kill Bill, after she had her revenge she experienced this brief bittersweet moment of happiness, but you know what she ended up feeling sorrow and the sting of sadness. In her case, as is the case with many accomplishment equaled despondency.


Everyone says that it is best to just forgive and forget, but honestly how many people do you know that actually forgive and forget? It's never forgotten, always brought up on some drunken night, some fight, some disagreement, come case in point, truthfully no one can ever forgive and forget. The prospect of doing so is simply ludicrous. I'm sure you can count on one hand how many actually do. There's something truly remarkable in remembering, it braces you for that inevitable day that you will need to recall exact events and emotions. Frankly I feel as though it's better to not forgive or forget, it's better to know so you can look for signs and reoccurrence.


You might ask where all this is coming from, that it seems random and off the wall, and perhaps it is. The truth is that ultimately it's random but also it speaks to my character today, but not just today for the past week. It's also addressing something that's been weighing heavily on my heart and mind recently. I think I have an excellent capacity for forgiveness, I just don't want that fact taken for granted.

The Beautiful Truth

There's something truly amazing in finding out the truth on your own,
it allows you to make these grand assumptions
and stellar proclamations.

Honesty,
they know the truth always comes out,
so it's best to speak in imperative truths.

A lie is concealment
and concealment is a lie.

Truths I've learned
are not inconsequential.
The Truths they know about me are all encompassing.

A lie is a lie,
but not necessarily.

This unforeseen realm
loudly, but in clarity, speaks to me.
It proclaims that I must,
"Abandon all truth,
for you have entered the realm of the liar."

I could never believe that the truth has undone so many,
that they still cling to their lies,
never once admitting the truth
and yet
we came forth to see their many lies.

Only when they were reflected,
back into their faces,
did the truth come out.

An Open Letter To You!

Dear You,

Yes you, you know who you are. There are a thousand questions left unanswered and I'm not going to answer them, until you ask the right question. Instead of why and who, say how and I. There are tons of questions that you need to ask yourself but you wont. You can't expect answers without the right questions. The questions; did I do something, why did you do that, is it me, etc, etc. I think the writing on the wall is pretty clear now, finally your secrets have caught up to you. Another lifetime filled with great disappointment. Ammite diem, indeed.