My Problem with the Rainbow

(Note: After constantly listening to my homosexual friends talk about their relationships I have finally decided to address this topic.)

Sylvia Plath said it best when describing her perceived neurotic behavior, "If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days." The same can be said about most male-male homosexual relationships when concerning monogamy. It has come to a common consensus that most homosexual men do not believe in monogamy, not only do they not believe in it, but they also have a twisted representation of its definition. Monogamy is best defined as the practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner. A lot of males in the homosexual community have no real clue as to what it means to be in a monogamous relationship, sure a lot of them wish for something that resembles monogamy, but wishing and actually believing in a monogamous relationship are not the same thing.

Writer's Block

Today I need to think of a new topic to write on, I fee that, unless I'm moving around I have nothing new to write about. So I plan to transcend my limitations and buckle down and write a short short story. Should be posted sometime tonight.

6

It's all just gravity. 
The closer I get to you the more you're pulling away. 


The more I fall, 
the more I see you floating away. 


Into space 
as I try clawing myself out of the abyss. 
I have barely come to terms with gravity, 
so I succumb to the depth. 


I feel it in my body, in my soul, 
in my everything 
that now is the time 
that I wait for you to come to me. 


Gravity be damned, 
heaven and earth be damned. 
As of now I'm waiting for you to come to me.

A Question of Mortality

A few days ago someone I care deeply about told me something completely unsettling. I don't remember how the subject was broached but I was told that old age is not an option, once this person reaches a certain age they would kill themselves, at first I stood there startled and I thought "would there ever be anything that would cause me to think so drastically about life" and I finally have the answer. I think that there's only a few things in my life that would make me consider suicide.

5

Self Portrait 26.10.10

the ground beneath my feet.

the pitter-patter of the marching feet behind me,
all in succession.

the sounds of planes,
trains,
and automobiles,
round and round.
Dizzying, yet placing me at ease.

is this the big comedown?
the hypnotic end to such a great high.

this feeling in my head,
in my heart,
and in my being.
the drowning in eternal
internal sunset

truth be told,
this is the most human i've ever felt.
crash landing in an emotional shit storm,
i acted,
i pretended,
"and the award for best actor"

me

but now the consequences for my actions.

the fact that i wanted to numb myself
with all things anti me,
death has come for me
from above,

numbness subsided and now back to reality.

XXXMED

A great picture by JFF

I THINK WE ALL FEEL LIKE THIS SOMETIMES!

4

Today,
I take the longest walk of my life.

Down that ol' green mile.

Checking in to see if I receive my scarlet letter,
that branding that marks us forever.
Naivety has led me to this moment,
how can someone like you fall so hopelessly,
head over heels,
madly,
unequivocally in love with someone like me.

You  hide your branding well,
you scarlet letter is flush and skin toned.

Still,
I walk to my doom,
slowly and an eternity away.

Down that ol' green mile.

I cry deep inside,
thinking that this betrayal has the same sting as a double edged dagger.

Who did this to you,
who hurt you so bad that you would blindly harm other,
that you would send me

Down this ol' green mile.

Romance is dead,
you shot it at point blank range.
In it's back, just like me.
More than once,
more than twice.

Fuck the fool, I am the fool.

The dread is killing me,
standing at the threshold.
I wonder what your doing,
sleeping the night away.

Unaware of the path of destruction that is placed in front of you.
The path I laid waste to

Down the ol' green mile.

(Originally written on 14, October 2010)

Oh, What a Week! Part Deux.

What an amazing week!

This was a beautiful view from Montmarte.

I have plenty of new things to post and I just haven't gotten around to doing so.

A Poem,

A few pictures,

and maybe a story or 2.


...stay tuned and take care.

-XXXMED

A Parisian Holiday

This topic will require tons of imagination, as I have not yet visited Paris. The question was easy, what would I do if I was stuck in Paris during one of their many infamous strikes? The answer on the other hand is much more difficult, would I as an American participate, stand by as an innocent spectator, or maybe something more or less extreme. I really don't know, my first answer would be to just watch and observe history in the making but if it was something more spectacular and moving, I'm sure that I would find a way to be apart of everything. The thought is simple, would I want to simply observe history or is it better to participate, those who watch have no accountability for experience.


(Sorry this was difficult to write on, I might add more tomorrow.)

Forgiveness

I keep thinking, should I or shouldn't I? Do I really need this heartache and pain in my life? But ultimately I've decided that I will, it's never a simply case of should I or shouldn't I, in fact it has never so simple. My answer simply comes from my thoughts, because I think you deserve my forgiveness, I think that I have made some mistakes, that we have made some mistakes, in the past few weeks. I just wish that we would have made an case for communication, or lack therein of, for which we are both guilty.


Like many people, my first reaction to betrayal was revenge, but revenge isn't always cut and paste. It's always a little messy and it involves other people getting hurt. My goal isn't to hurt anyone else, but just to not feel the way I was feeling. Childishly I was thinking that if I made someone feel the same way I felt then I would be on top, I would have perched myself back on top of Cloud 9. But I found out that revenge doesn't work, it's unsatisfying. Sure, you're caught up in this moment where revenge is bliss but in the end it's not, it's sorrow and disgust. Think "The Bride" at the end of Kill Bill, after she had her revenge she experienced this brief bittersweet moment of happiness, but you know what she ended up feeling sorrow and the sting of sadness. In her case, as is the case with many accomplishment equaled despondency.


Everyone says that it is best to just forgive and forget, but honestly how many people do you know that actually forgive and forget? It's never forgotten, always brought up on some drunken night, some fight, some disagreement, come case in point, truthfully no one can ever forgive and forget. The prospect of doing so is simply ludicrous. I'm sure you can count on one hand how many actually do. There's something truly remarkable in remembering, it braces you for that inevitable day that you will need to recall exact events and emotions. Frankly I feel as though it's better to not forgive or forget, it's better to know so you can look for signs and reoccurrence.


You might ask where all this is coming from, that it seems random and off the wall, and perhaps it is. The truth is that ultimately it's random but also it speaks to my character today, but not just today for the past week. It's also addressing something that's been weighing heavily on my heart and mind recently. I think I have an excellent capacity for forgiveness, I just don't want that fact taken for granted.

The Beautiful Truth

There's something truly amazing in finding out the truth on your own,
it allows you to make these grand assumptions
and stellar proclamations.

Honesty,
they know the truth always comes out,
so it's best to speak in imperative truths.

A lie is concealment
and concealment is a lie.

Truths I've learned
are not inconsequential.
The Truths they know about me are all encompassing.

A lie is a lie,
but not necessarily.

This unforeseen realm
loudly, but in clarity, speaks to me.
It proclaims that I must,
"Abandon all truth,
for you have entered the realm of the liar."

I could never believe that the truth has undone so many,
that they still cling to their lies,
never once admitting the truth
and yet
we came forth to see their many lies.

Only when they were reflected,
back into their faces,
did the truth come out.

GOING WITH DISTANCE

Where do I begin? Distance is best defined as the amount of space between two things or people. But what does one do when that distance is ever changing? When it becomes more than just a physical distance, but also and emotional one. In the past 2 weeks I have experienced both emotional and physical distance. So my question is, how does one cope with distance?

Sure it's easy to say, I'll be there for you and I'll wait but you know what it's not easy. When you know that the person you love (or are intimate with) sees you less than 15 days a month. Recently I had the opportunity to see the movie 'Going the Distance' and it was amazing to see how Hollywood approached the subject of long distance relationships. The movie wasn't perfect but neither are real relationships. There's always pain and hurt and sorrow, but you know what these are just symptoms of love. Other symptoms include; happiness and joy, which may lead to excessive smiling.

The key to having a successful long distance (or semi-long distance relationship) is communication. If for some reason you feel as though your partner (used here to substitute for boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, etc.) is not showing you the love that you desire then talk about it, don't, and I must reiterate this DON'T, go out and look for someone else who you think might show you any semblance of happiness or attention. Emotional affairs are just as bad as physical affairs, the both hurt the same way.

So I never answered, how does one cope with these type of relationships? There are only two answers: communication and trust. You just have to trust in your heart that you're in love and that your love can weather any storm. Distance is just a state of mind that can easily be remedied. Love is messy, there's no denying it, so we might as well embrace it. One last thing, you must also embrace technology, it is your friend and ultimately it helps.

XXXMED

AFI- Summer Shudder

I've never been a fan of AFI, but after hearing this song today I had to realize that they're magnificent. Really this is an amazing song and it took me years to realize that they're a good band. Consider myself a fan now, just because of one song. :)

The Road

Things That Are Relevant

I love this intro to The Simpson's last night, although the show has been less than stellar as of late this was something that gave me slight hope for the show again, it reminded me of it's button pushing and thought provoking past. The Simpson's has Won me over for now.

10 Best Comic Book Films. (Part 1)

So in an attempt to make my blog more fun and less gloomy, I'm taking a page from my friend Maryanne and making a list, this is a list of my 10 favorite comic book movies, either animated or live action. Here goes nothing.

10. The Spirit

When I first say this in theaters my first reaction was "This is a poor man's version of Sin City." But after watching the film again for the second time, this time at home, I realized this was a remarkable film to watch. I loved that Frank Miller took a work that wasn't his and ultimately Miller-ized it. The voiceover was over the top and a bit tongue-in-cheek but it was all fun. And you know what I really enjoyed Samuel L. Jackson's character, I loved that it perfectly embodied his range as an actor (which is a bit limited). This movie has some faults and that's why it's not my number 1 film.

09. Wonder Woman

You know after watching this it made me really love the idea that DC has leap frogged Marvel Comics when it comes to animated features. I mean this was just an amazing idea, it's an origins story that's so well thought out and beautiful it almost makes you fall in love with Wonder Woman again (although I still have a problem with the fact that she can fly sometimes and other times she has an invisible jet). The voice acting is incredible, Kerry Russell will never be a perfect embodiment of WW, she doesn't have the bravado or the physicality, but her voice is top notch casting, all the voice acting is good it elevates the film from straight-to-dvd garbage to a legitimate super hero film.

08./07. Superman/Batman Apocalypse & Superman/Batman Public Enemies

Where do I begin? I love the idea of having two of DC Comics most famous characters on not one but two films is incredible. Although I've been posting more and more DC comic films as my favorites you should no I am not a fan of DC or it's universe. The characters are all stuck in a reality that doesn't exist. The most exciting prospect of these 2 films is that the story is never stale or uninteresting. It is always compelling and interesting, some parts fill as though they are just filler, which is always a bad thing but the story is compelling and I love that they have interconnecting storylines, one takes place almost directly after the other. My only problem is the animation, I feel as though they draw Superman too feminine and batman too masculine (which here isn't a bad thing). Still these are amazing animated films

to watch.

06. Punisher: War Zone

First off this is a bad film, I know it and I'm pretty sure you know it, but I love the idea that the story had evolved and became darker than it's predecessor. If I had to grade this film it would probably be a C- but still I enjoyed it. Bad acting, bad script and all.

05. Sin City (Original Theatrical Version)

Sin City will be on my list twice for this version and for the unrated dvd version (which will be placed much higher the second time around). This was a solid film, completely original at the time and the acting was top notch. I was a little wary about Robert Rodriguez directing, but when you have the original author/illustrator on board then there's nothing that can go wrong. To steal from film critics this was a visual stunning masterpiece. Robert Rodriguez has yet to make anything that is remotely as good as this. It truly saddens me that so much time has passed without any concrete word on a sequel, and the death of Britney Murphy who was a magnificent Shelly saddens me, maybe this will just have to live on as an excellent single film but none the less it was profound.

Note: This is only part 1 and part 2 will be added sometime later today or maybe sometime tomorrow, but feel free to critique and disagree if you like.

Back to Basics

A lot of this has been negative as of late, but today I am taking a new direction. Personal but poetic, not all negative. Today I will talk about the rise and fall of television and other things. Stay tuned...

Tales From Earthsea

This was so amazing, I stumbled across this film by accident and I fell in love. The music is so beautiful, after watching it, I am in love with Gorō Miyazaki and Studio Ghibli.

The Danny Elfman & Tim Burton 25th Anniversary Music Box

Happiness, Part Deux

Today I felt the lowest I've ever felt,
like scum.

But you made me happy.

Terrible terribleness aside,
vous m'avez fait plaisir.

PROMISES, PROMISES: "A House Is Not A Home"

If I ever see a musical on Broadway again, Kristin Chenoweth will star.

Distance

This is the growing distance between you and I today.

An Open Letter To You!

Dear You,

Yes you, you know who you are. There are a thousand questions left unanswered and I'm not going to answer them, until you ask the right question. Instead of why and who, say how and I. There are tons of questions that you need to ask yourself but you wont. You can't expect answers without the right questions. The questions; did I do something, why did you do that, is it me, etc, etc. I think the writing on the wall is pretty clear now, finally your secrets have caught up to you. Another lifetime filled with great disappointment. Ammite diem, indeed.

This Makes Me Happy!

This is JJ. He makes me happy.

Pokémon Apokélypse: Live Action Trailer HD

Need I say more, this is so funny but also kind of cool.

3

Do you look at me and see that I am no longer the same,

that I have become monotonous?

Was I fun and now you've moved on

because I'm no longer offering you excitement?

You stare blankly past my eyes

and past my soul.

The very parts of me that you once loved,

and yet you no longer do.

You try and hide the fact

that I am no longer amusing to you,

but it is in fact written upon your face.

"Bored to Death"

It says.

In your eyes.

In your letter.

Just let me know, put me out of my misery

So I shall know the end is here.

2

With you here I feel lost.

As though time itself is moving slowly,

Constantly hiding and betraying my kindness.

Sometimes you make me wonder if I am too trusting.

I think about you and I see it behind your eyes,

that you are not being honest,

that you are hiding away apart of yourself from me.

Names, names and places,

anonymous places and faces.

For once I feel as though the bullet is in my heart,

all jagged and broken.

Tearing out my love,
my compassion,
and my tenderness,

leaving me.

Am I just an empty shell of a loveless man?

Does it not please you,

to see me hurting,

and to do nothing

and to say nothing

Nothing

Nothing

the emptiness and quietness of the hallowed soul.

Is it okay that I love you far away,

distant,

and dissonant.

Pale blank utopia

without the disillusionment of heart aches and heartpains.

You sadden me,

with all your mystery.

Mystery so mysterious

that I weep for those who know

what is the dystopian minefield of your heart

the bleakness of a world unknown.

I share

I share

feelings,

thoughts,

the truth,

but you hide and cower,

trying to shield you from the light.

The blinding and all consuming light,

you know not that it radiates from inside you.

The light is you own

you are consuming yourself.

Bright bright and drowning out the shadows,

drowning me out .

It is a cold light,

chill and bright.

Your warmth is leaving

I am left in the cold aftermath.

A devastating

and shrill

and piercing cold

that hurts to the touch,

blinds the sight, and kills happiness.