Forgiveness

I keep thinking, should I or shouldn't I? Do I really need this heartache and pain in my life? But ultimately I've decided that I will, it's never a simply case of should I or shouldn't I, in fact it has never so simple. My answer simply comes from my thoughts, because I think you deserve my forgiveness, I think that I have made some mistakes, that we have made some mistakes, in the past few weeks. I just wish that we would have made an case for communication, or lack therein of, for which we are both guilty.


Like many people, my first reaction to betrayal was revenge, but revenge isn't always cut and paste. It's always a little messy and it involves other people getting hurt. My goal isn't to hurt anyone else, but just to not feel the way I was feeling. Childishly I was thinking that if I made someone feel the same way I felt then I would be on top, I would have perched myself back on top of Cloud 9. But I found out that revenge doesn't work, it's unsatisfying. Sure, you're caught up in this moment where revenge is bliss but in the end it's not, it's sorrow and disgust. Think "The Bride" at the end of Kill Bill, after she had her revenge she experienced this brief bittersweet moment of happiness, but you know what she ended up feeling sorrow and the sting of sadness. In her case, as is the case with many accomplishment equaled despondency.


Everyone says that it is best to just forgive and forget, but honestly how many people do you know that actually forgive and forget? It's never forgotten, always brought up on some drunken night, some fight, some disagreement, come case in point, truthfully no one can ever forgive and forget. The prospect of doing so is simply ludicrous. I'm sure you can count on one hand how many actually do. There's something truly remarkable in remembering, it braces you for that inevitable day that you will need to recall exact events and emotions. Frankly I feel as though it's better to not forgive or forget, it's better to know so you can look for signs and reoccurrence.


You might ask where all this is coming from, that it seems random and off the wall, and perhaps it is. The truth is that ultimately it's random but also it speaks to my character today, but not just today for the past week. It's also addressing something that's been weighing heavily on my heart and mind recently. I think I have an excellent capacity for forgiveness, I just don't want that fact taken for granted.

GOING WITH DISTANCE

Where do I begin? Distance is best defined as the amount of space between two things or people. But what does one do when that distance is ever changing? When it becomes more than just a physical distance, but also and emotional one. In the past 2 weeks I have experienced both emotional and physical distance. So my question is, how does one cope with distance?

Sure it's easy to say, I'll be there for you and I'll wait but you know what it's not easy. When you know that the person you love (or are intimate with) sees you less than 15 days a month. Recently I had the opportunity to see the movie 'Going the Distance' and it was amazing to see how Hollywood approached the subject of long distance relationships. The movie wasn't perfect but neither are real relationships. There's always pain and hurt and sorrow, but you know what these are just symptoms of love. Other symptoms include; happiness and joy, which may lead to excessive smiling.

The key to having a successful long distance (or semi-long distance relationship) is communication. If for some reason you feel as though your partner (used here to substitute for boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, etc.) is not showing you the love that you desire then talk about it, don't, and I must reiterate this DON'T, go out and look for someone else who you think might show you any semblance of happiness or attention. Emotional affairs are just as bad as physical affairs, the both hurt the same way.

So I never answered, how does one cope with these type of relationships? There are only two answers: communication and trust. You just have to trust in your heart that you're in love and that your love can weather any storm. Distance is just a state of mind that can easily be remedied. Love is messy, there's no denying it, so we might as well embrace it. One last thing, you must also embrace technology, it is your friend and ultimately it helps.

XXXMED

An Open Letter To You!

Dear You,

Yes you, you know who you are. There are a thousand questions left unanswered and I'm not going to answer them, until you ask the right question. Instead of why and who, say how and I. There are tons of questions that you need to ask yourself but you wont. You can't expect answers without the right questions. The questions; did I do something, why did you do that, is it me, etc, etc. I think the writing on the wall is pretty clear now, finally your secrets have caught up to you. Another lifetime filled with great disappointment. Ammite diem, indeed.

Happiness

A year ago today I set certain things in motion that ultimately led to happiness. I had been grappling with decisions that would have negatively upended my life and when all was said and done I made the right decision. Sure some people were not happy with that decision and I was mocked and ridiculed for months and months, in fact to this day I feel as though certain people hate the decision, but it was mine and mine alone to make. I was tired of the corruption, the dishonesty and the lies. I was tired of trying to give 100% when everyone around be was doing not even .01% of what I was doing. Truth be told I am happier now than I have been in a long time. Are there things that I would like to take back from the last year or so, yes, but I will not, everything is done for a reason. Today, all I can say is, the world is crashing down around me and I am standing on the edge of armageddon, in the shadow of sanity, and I am happy.

XXX MED