5

Self Portrait 26.10.10

the ground beneath my feet.

the pitter-patter of the marching feet behind me,
all in succession.

the sounds of planes,
trains,
and automobiles,
round and round.
Dizzying, yet placing me at ease.

is this the big comedown?
the hypnotic end to such a great high.

this feeling in my head,
in my heart,
and in my being.
the drowning in eternal
internal sunset

truth be told,
this is the most human i've ever felt.
crash landing in an emotional shit storm,
i acted,
i pretended,
"and the award for best actor"

me

but now the consequences for my actions.

the fact that i wanted to numb myself
with all things anti me,
death has come for me
from above,

numbness subsided and now back to reality.

XXXMED

A great picture by JFF

I THINK WE ALL FEEL LIKE THIS SOMETIMES!

4

Today,
I take the longest walk of my life.

Down that ol' green mile.

Checking in to see if I receive my scarlet letter,
that branding that marks us forever.
Naivety has led me to this moment,
how can someone like you fall so hopelessly,
head over heels,
madly,
unequivocally in love with someone like me.

You  hide your branding well,
you scarlet letter is flush and skin toned.

Still,
I walk to my doom,
slowly and an eternity away.

Down that ol' green mile.

I cry deep inside,
thinking that this betrayal has the same sting as a double edged dagger.

Who did this to you,
who hurt you so bad that you would blindly harm other,
that you would send me

Down this ol' green mile.

Romance is dead,
you shot it at point blank range.
In it's back, just like me.
More than once,
more than twice.

Fuck the fool, I am the fool.

The dread is killing me,
standing at the threshold.
I wonder what your doing,
sleeping the night away.

Unaware of the path of destruction that is placed in front of you.
The path I laid waste to

Down the ol' green mile.

(Originally written on 14, October 2010)

Oh, What a Week! Part Deux.

What an amazing week!

This was a beautiful view from Montmarte.

I have plenty of new things to post and I just haven't gotten around to doing so.

A Poem,

A few pictures,

and maybe a story or 2.


...stay tuned and take care.

-XXXMED

A Parisian Holiday

This topic will require tons of imagination, as I have not yet visited Paris. The question was easy, what would I do if I was stuck in Paris during one of their many infamous strikes? The answer on the other hand is much more difficult, would I as an American participate, stand by as an innocent spectator, or maybe something more or less extreme. I really don't know, my first answer would be to just watch and observe history in the making but if it was something more spectacular and moving, I'm sure that I would find a way to be apart of everything. The thought is simple, would I want to simply observe history or is it better to participate, those who watch have no accountability for experience.


(Sorry this was difficult to write on, I might add more tomorrow.)

Forgiveness

I keep thinking, should I or shouldn't I? Do I really need this heartache and pain in my life? But ultimately I've decided that I will, it's never a simply case of should I or shouldn't I, in fact it has never so simple. My answer simply comes from my thoughts, because I think you deserve my forgiveness, I think that I have made some mistakes, that we have made some mistakes, in the past few weeks. I just wish that we would have made an case for communication, or lack therein of, for which we are both guilty.


Like many people, my first reaction to betrayal was revenge, but revenge isn't always cut and paste. It's always a little messy and it involves other people getting hurt. My goal isn't to hurt anyone else, but just to not feel the way I was feeling. Childishly I was thinking that if I made someone feel the same way I felt then I would be on top, I would have perched myself back on top of Cloud 9. But I found out that revenge doesn't work, it's unsatisfying. Sure, you're caught up in this moment where revenge is bliss but in the end it's not, it's sorrow and disgust. Think "The Bride" at the end of Kill Bill, after she had her revenge she experienced this brief bittersweet moment of happiness, but you know what she ended up feeling sorrow and the sting of sadness. In her case, as is the case with many accomplishment equaled despondency.


Everyone says that it is best to just forgive and forget, but honestly how many people do you know that actually forgive and forget? It's never forgotten, always brought up on some drunken night, some fight, some disagreement, come case in point, truthfully no one can ever forgive and forget. The prospect of doing so is simply ludicrous. I'm sure you can count on one hand how many actually do. There's something truly remarkable in remembering, it braces you for that inevitable day that you will need to recall exact events and emotions. Frankly I feel as though it's better to not forgive or forget, it's better to know so you can look for signs and reoccurrence.


You might ask where all this is coming from, that it seems random and off the wall, and perhaps it is. The truth is that ultimately it's random but also it speaks to my character today, but not just today for the past week. It's also addressing something that's been weighing heavily on my heart and mind recently. I think I have an excellent capacity for forgiveness, I just don't want that fact taken for granted.

The Beautiful Truth

There's something truly amazing in finding out the truth on your own,
it allows you to make these grand assumptions
and stellar proclamations.

Honesty,
they know the truth always comes out,
so it's best to speak in imperative truths.

A lie is concealment
and concealment is a lie.

Truths I've learned
are not inconsequential.
The Truths they know about me are all encompassing.

A lie is a lie,
but not necessarily.

This unforeseen realm
loudly, but in clarity, speaks to me.
It proclaims that I must,
"Abandon all truth,
for you have entered the realm of the liar."

I could never believe that the truth has undone so many,
that they still cling to their lies,
never once admitting the truth
and yet
we came forth to see their many lies.

Only when they were reflected,
back into their faces,
did the truth come out.

GOING WITH DISTANCE

Where do I begin? Distance is best defined as the amount of space between two things or people. But what does one do when that distance is ever changing? When it becomes more than just a physical distance, but also and emotional one. In the past 2 weeks I have experienced both emotional and physical distance. So my question is, how does one cope with distance?

Sure it's easy to say, I'll be there for you and I'll wait but you know what it's not easy. When you know that the person you love (or are intimate with) sees you less than 15 days a month. Recently I had the opportunity to see the movie 'Going the Distance' and it was amazing to see how Hollywood approached the subject of long distance relationships. The movie wasn't perfect but neither are real relationships. There's always pain and hurt and sorrow, but you know what these are just symptoms of love. Other symptoms include; happiness and joy, which may lead to excessive smiling.

The key to having a successful long distance (or semi-long distance relationship) is communication. If for some reason you feel as though your partner (used here to substitute for boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, etc.) is not showing you the love that you desire then talk about it, don't, and I must reiterate this DON'T, go out and look for someone else who you think might show you any semblance of happiness or attention. Emotional affairs are just as bad as physical affairs, the both hurt the same way.

So I never answered, how does one cope with these type of relationships? There are only two answers: communication and trust. You just have to trust in your heart that you're in love and that your love can weather any storm. Distance is just a state of mind that can easily be remedied. Love is messy, there's no denying it, so we might as well embrace it. One last thing, you must also embrace technology, it is your friend and ultimately it helps.

XXXMED