The End of 2010; New Beginnings Abound

2010 was a year of quietly embracing the consequences of my actions. I was forced to live in the conditions I had laid out for myself many of which began in the year 2009. I plan to start 2011 in a completely different mind set. I've made many mistakes this year and I've put my life on hold for such trivial things as love only to have it thrown back in my face. Was I wrong to do so? Maybe, but it was a mistake that I have to live with. 

Cooking: My New Passion

A dilemma, indeed

When did gay America become so gay? That's a question I've been constantly asking myself these past few months. I remember turning on the news a few weeks back and seeing that Vince Vaughn was in some sort of trouble for saying "electric cars are gay" in a trailer for his upcoming movie,The Dilemma, the sheer hilarity in this and the audacity of anyone who became offended by this is almost pathetic and on every level sad, first off he's being lampooned by a man who's so far in the closet he's already starting to fall into Narnia. Anderson Cooper is not a champion of Gay America, champions of Gay America are not in the closet, they are out and they are proud. If Mr. Cooper cared so much about Gay America then I think it's about time for him to admit what people have been saying about him for years now, that he is gay. The sheer audacity in someone like, someone who is deeply "closeted" to attack free and artistic creativity is horrid, the idea that you can come out and criticize another person's work is downright disgusting, ladies and gentleman we are no longer in the dark ages. Coming from me, a person who has used the word gay as an adjective, on more than on occasion, it might be hard for you to listen objectively to what I'm saying, but you should, and you should do so attentively and open minded. The truth is that I don't think that many people in Gay America found it that unsettling or offensive, in fact the gay people I've talked to about it found that it wasn't even a big deal.

Contemplations of Life and Death

Today I'm sitting here, feeling the terrible wind again my skin and I'm contemplating death. Do we not know the truth about death? I for one believe that death is not the end. We have this cycle of life that we go through. There is no kingdom which awaits us after we have succumbed to death, there is only death. When we die it's only a way for our body to tell us the energy we have stored has become to much for the old vessel and that it needs to be free to explore again. Every thing that we do in life is just a product of what our energy tells us to do. People got it wrong when they started calling the light inside us spirits, in actuality it is just energy. Our aura is just a product of that energy. Almost everything we do is to replenish our energy, eat, sleep, exercise, play etc.

The Truth

To me the worst thing in the world is a lie. I'm sure there are worst things than a lie, but to me the act of telling a lie is unforgivable. A lie is the opposite of a great story because it builds and builds into an unsatisfying end. It never pays off, or at least the payoff is unexpected. Someone once told me that you can always tell a lie because of how outrageous a story sounds. I'm here to tell you first hand that that's true. How you can tell a person is a liar is by their mysterious and changing behaviors. I mean in all honesty mystery is not sexy, it is not attractive. Ok, sure you can argue that mystery is somewhat sexy, but it's a trap. Ladies let me tell you, guys hide behind mystery so you don't expect them of lying. It's easier for us to say that we're just mysterious and not that we're lying.

My Problem with the Rainbow

(Note: After constantly listening to my homosexual friends talk about their relationships I have finally decided to address this topic.)

Sylvia Plath said it best when describing her perceived neurotic behavior, "If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days." The same can be said about most male-male homosexual relationships when concerning monogamy. It has come to a common consensus that most homosexual men do not believe in monogamy, not only do they not believe in it, but they also have a twisted representation of its definition. Monogamy is best defined as the practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner. A lot of males in the homosexual community have no real clue as to what it means to be in a monogamous relationship, sure a lot of them wish for something that resembles monogamy, but wishing and actually believing in a monogamous relationship are not the same thing.

Writer's Block

Today I need to think of a new topic to write on, I fee that, unless I'm moving around I have nothing new to write about. So I plan to transcend my limitations and buckle down and write a short short story. Should be posted sometime tonight.

6

It's all just gravity. 
The closer I get to you the more you're pulling away. 


The more I fall, 
the more I see you floating away. 


Into space 
as I try clawing myself out of the abyss. 
I have barely come to terms with gravity, 
so I succumb to the depth. 


I feel it in my body, in my soul, 
in my everything 
that now is the time 
that I wait for you to come to me. 


Gravity be damned, 
heaven and earth be damned. 
As of now I'm waiting for you to come to me.

A Question of Mortality

A few days ago someone I care deeply about told me something completely unsettling. I don't remember how the subject was broached but I was told that old age is not an option, once this person reaches a certain age they would kill themselves, at first I stood there startled and I thought "would there ever be anything that would cause me to think so drastically about life" and I finally have the answer. I think that there's only a few things in my life that would make me consider suicide.

5

Self Portrait 26.10.10

the ground beneath my feet.

the pitter-patter of the marching feet behind me,
all in succession.

the sounds of planes,
trains,
and automobiles,
round and round.
Dizzying, yet placing me at ease.

is this the big comedown?
the hypnotic end to such a great high.

this feeling in my head,
in my heart,
and in my being.
the drowning in eternal
internal sunset

truth be told,
this is the most human i've ever felt.
crash landing in an emotional shit storm,
i acted,
i pretended,
"and the award for best actor"

me

but now the consequences for my actions.

the fact that i wanted to numb myself
with all things anti me,
death has come for me
from above,

numbness subsided and now back to reality.

XXXMED